In the hallowed archives of fantasy, as shadows stretch and the moon wanes, this week bears witness to not one but two macabre tales. As the eerie fog rolls in, both stories unfold, each bringing its own kind of chilling dread to the heart of the league.

First, we peer into the cursed stadium where the Denver Broncos faced a malevolent force of nature, the Dolphins. The match was less a game and more a grotesque spectacle, a dance of doom where the Broncos appeared like lost souls, mere children pitted against nightmarish titans. Every tackle they attempted evaporated into mist; every score, a fleeting phantom. So abysmal was their performance that whispers in the darkness suggest even Jeff Sims and Nebraska could've bested the Broncos this ghastly week.

But, in another desolate corner, a more personal horror plagues Dos Eggys. Starting the season 0-3 Dos Eggys line up is stained with the blood of their fallen. The team is a graveyard of talent – from Nick Chubb's season-ending specter, Austin Ekeler's ghost lingering till week 6, to the tormented spirits of Jamaal Williams and Diontae Johnson bound by hamstring chains for a torturous four weeks. And the latest to join this hall of horrors? Mike Williams, after a beacon of brilliance, now shrouded in the darkness of potential season-end.

The whispers grow louder, wondering if Graham, in his hunger for supremacy, sought to steal Taylor's dreaded title of "Fantasy Reaper". The very air grows thick with tension as Jalen Hurts, Jerome Ford, James Cook, and DK Metcalf gaze into the abyss, praying they don't become the next victims of what some say is the 'Curse of Graham'.

Legends speak of Faustian bargains struck in the quest for ultimate power. Did Graham, in a moment of reckless ambition, make a deal with the devil last year to seize the championship? The sinister twist of Damar Hamlin’s fall during the championship game, followed by this relentless wave of calamities - is this the price he pays?

Two tales of terror, both echoing the same sinister sentiment: In the world of fantasy, victory might come, but it often carries a dark and harrowing cost. Only time will reveal the true depths of these unfolding horrors.

Shit Start of the Week: Joshua Kelley and Dalton Kincaid

Alright, gear up for this week’s comically tragic lineup! Our weekly "Did They Even Show Up?" award goes to the team with the sugariest name, the Fruity Rebbles.

Now, drum roll... Let’s talk Josh Kelley! With 73% of the snaps, facing a defense softer than a marshmallow, Kelley secured an astonishing... 2.2 points! 🎉 (Hint: That’s not the confetti moment we were expecting). Quick side note: Ryan, being the ever inquisitive manager, asked me for advice. I warned him, “Hey, my crystal ball’s on the fritz!" But he persisted. So, I championed Kelley, predicting a performance rivaling Usain Bolt. But alas, Kelley more or less played hopscotch. Remember folks, no refunds on free advice!

But wait, there's more! Over in the "Did They Get Lost on the Way to the Field?" category, we have Dalton Kincaid! With a whopping score of 1.3 points, it seems he was a bit too generous, letting Diggs, Davis, Knox, and Cook hog all those passes.

Yet, despite these fantastically underwhelming performances, Ryan, in a twist worthy of M. Night Shyamalan, not only clinched a win but also boasted the highest score of the week! 🥳 Talk about a plot twist. Rumors of tanking abounded, but maybe, just maybe, the Fruity Rebbles are serving up a comeback! Cheers to the team that keeps us all guessing! 🍻

Clutch Start of the Week: Raheem Mostert

After being toasted by last week's starts of the week, Keenan Allen and Justin Herbert, the French Toast Mafia flipped the script and cooked up a delectable comeback! Raheem Mostert, dishing out a dominant performance against the Broncos, was the syrup to their success. And here's a piece of crispy news — he was only the second-best running back on the Dolphins!

With Mostert’s four touchdowns, the French Toast Mafia piled up a league-high 145.9 points this week, making it a truly scrumptious victory. It’s as if they sprinkled some cinnamon magic on their lineup, turning their fortunes from being burnt to being the ones doing the roasting!

Being on the other side of the Start of the Week felt as sweet as a stack of syrup-drenched French toast for the Mafia. Here’s to seeing if they can keep the breakfast feast going and continue to dish out more servings of fantasy point delights.

Oh, the winds of misfortune swept through the Schneider residence this weekend, leaving behind a trail of fantasy football heartbreak! Picture a house draped in sadness, as both husband and wife’s dream teams bit the proverbial dust.

The Usyrupers, riding high on a sweet 2-0 streak, were eyeing to splash a third "GG" into the group chat, savoring the taste of victory. But, alas! In came Zach and that sneaky Raheem Mostert, swiping the win like a silly rabbit stealing Trix from those dickhead kids that won't share with him! Despite Davante Adams putting on his superhero cape, Taylor's Usyrupers tasted the bitter flavor of their first seasonal defeat.

Meanwhile, in another room pulsating with tense vibes, we could almost hear the Monday Night Football anthem. The air was thick with anticipation; TJ needed Jamarr Chase to pull a Houdini and secure the win. The stage was set, the lights were bright, but in a dramatic twist, TJ missed the mark, losing in the final throes of MNF. At a nail-biting moment in the 4th quarter, TJ was trailing by less than a point. Those familiar with TJ’s passionate "Among Us" rhetoric could almost hear the colorful commentary directed at the TV, as his Scramblers FC stumbled to a 1-2 standing.

But let’s not pour the milk of despair just yet! Both teams, despite facing formidable adversaries, showed glimmers of promise. The race to the Cereal Bowl is far from over; the Schneiders are still in the mix! However, for now, a little space, a little time, and perhaps a consoling bowl of cereal are in order, as the Schneider household regroups and reflects on this week’s fantasy football lamentations. Better luck next week, Team Schneider! Keep those spoons ready!

Get ready for a face-off that’s bound to hit a high note! In one corner, we have Honey Bunches of Hoes, serenading the league with the harmonious plays of Travis Kelce and earning some backup vocals from the swiftie squad and making the GOTW for the third time straight maybe we just call it Matt vs! And in the opposite corner, it's the Flapjack Dynasty flipping the script, led by the maestro who’s been serving those sweet passes to Kelce!

It’s a lyrical dance of divisional destiny as both teams, with their record as sparkly as Taylor’s old guitar, are strumming a 3-0 tune! Beneath the friendly banter and shared playlists, this matchup is shaping up to be a Swift-inspired epic! It's the league's kitty strutting against the podcast’s number one fan – who’s already danced around two hosts!

Matt, feeling 22 with his golden trio – CMC, Pollard, and Kelce – is hoping to continue his chart-topping dominance. Scott, on the other hand, has his eyes on the prize, looking to bring some Bad Blood to his good friend's winning streak, and secure his fourth straight win and the coveted division lead.

Will Honey Bunches of Hoes continue to paint the league Red with their victories, or will the Flapjack Dynasty prove they are the real Enchanteds of the division? This will be no Love Story. Grab your guitars and pancakes, Swifties, it’s time to find out which tune will be the anthem of the week! Shake it off, folks, this is one match you won’t want to miss!

Gather round, football enthusiasts, and grab your popcorn! This week, we present the Anti-Game of the Week, a clash of titans that... Well, more like a clash of one-win wonders, but who’s counting? Brace yourselves for the epic encounter between the 1-2 Scramblers FC and the equally, ahem, 'illustrious' 1-2 Cereal Killers!

Let’s rewind a bit. Remember TJ's heartache, that dramatic downfall courtesy of the league’s cunning cat? Ah, good times, good times. Now, in a battle that could only be dubbed “Old School Tanker vs. New School Tanker”, it seems the modern ways of tanking have a slight edge. Kudos to Conner, who clinched a nail-biter with Joe Mixon outrunning Tee Higgins, earning him the sweet taste of his first seasonal victory. The suspense! The drama! Conner’s back in the game, folks!

On the flip side, Brandon’s shooting hopeful glances at Saquon Barkley’s recovery updates and fervently wishing he won’t have to resort to starting AJ Dillon. Oh, the horror! Brandon’s also pining for the return of Week 1 standout Brandon Aiyuk to aid him in vanquishing his division rival. Fingers crossed!

Then we have Scramblers FC, standing at a crossroad of quarterback conundrums and whispering fervent prayers to the touchdown deities. A two-week TD famine has them lighting candles and possibly performing interpretive touchdown dances in their living rooms. One can only hope the neighbors are understanding.

Now, 1-2 records might not set the world on fire, but hey, everyone loves a good underdog story! Who will emerge less scathed in this clash of fantasy misfortunes? Will the Scramblers scramble to victory? Will the Cereal Killers bowl over the competition? Stay tuned, folks, as we eagerly await to see which of these not-so-lucky teams can flip the cereal box of fate and find the hidden toy of victory!